Why You Gotta Be So Damned Independent?!?
Today’s blog title is something a man I was dating once said to me, out of frustration, during a discussion we were having (translation: very low-key argument). My response? I’ll stop being so damned independent when I find a man I can depend on. Don’t ever ask me a question unless you’re prepared to hear the answer.
Today’s blog entry is inspired by a random thought I posted on my personal Facebook page, not the one that’s associated with my book and this website:
I get so tired of men telling me I can be intimidating. Strong women only intimidate WEAK men. If you can’t handle this, step aside and make room for a real man. I am who I am and I refuse to apologize for it. I don’t know how to be anyone else but me, and I have no desire to BE anyone else. Maybe you should see me as a challenge to elevate yourself to the next level.
Now I know when some people read that, they probably rolled their eyes and thought “here we go, angry Miss Independent.” Don’t judge me until you know my story. And even then, judge not lest ye be judged. I’m independent because I’ve had to be, and I wish people would stop acting as if an independent woman is a bad thing. There is nothing wrong with a woman who knows how to handle her business. Now an independent woman with a chip on her shoulder, that’s another thing all together, and I am not that woman.
First, a little history. Hi, my name is Angela, and I married a weak man. Yep, I admit it. He didn’t know who he was or what he believed in, let alone what he wanted, so how in the world could I expect him be the head of my household? My marriage was doomed from the start! And I take full responsibility. I chose him, so I have no one to blame but myself. And this might come as a surprise, but I don’t regret it. He gave me two beautiful children, and I learned a lot about relationships and myself. Even when I was married, I felt like a single parent, so one day I decided it was time to go our separate ways and actually become one. I filed bankruptcy, so I could actually afford to pay for a divorce, and then I commenced to creating a new life for myself and my children. I learned to be independent because I had to. I had two children to support. And just to be clear, I already had some independence about me. I don’t want to give the impression that I went from completely dependent or co-dependent to independent because that’s not the case.
What other people think about me is none of my business, but it pisses me off when people assume I’m this woman with an ‘I don’t need a man for anything and I can do it all by myself’ attitude. You know what? I can do it all on my own, and when it comes to my kids, I did (with a little help from my family and friends). But do you think I wanted to? What most men fail to realize is what women like me really want is a man who can stimulate our mind and take care of us emotionally. We want a man’s time, attention, affection, and thought-provoking conversation. And contrary to popular belief, speaking for myself, he doesn’t have to make six figures. I even wrote about this back in 2013.
Yes, I work in corporate America, but I’ve dated a factory worker, a bus driver, a musician, and a cook. I even dated a man who lived with his parents temporarily until he could get back on his feet after a divorce (and he was honest about it from the very first conversation). I give all men who step to me with confidence, honesty, and respect an equal opportunity. But don’t step to me empty-handed, meaning, be able to add something to the mix, like the aforementioned time, attention, affection, and conversation. If he isn’t where he wants to be in life yet, I’m ok with that, as long as he’s actively working a plan (and making progress) to get there.
How much money a man makes or what he drives is of no consequence to me. Just because you drive a nice car doesn’t mean you can afford it. Good credit can buy a lot of things (and get people in trouble). I’ve been to the bottom and I know what it’s like to struggle to get to the top. If he’s smart, he won’t see me as a threat, he’ll realize I can be an asset (theoretically, not financially) to helping him realize his goals and dreams. And, I expect the same from him. Encourage me, believe in me, and support my aspirations to accomplish my goals and dreams. There’s strength in numbers, right? And let me be clear here too. I am not the mothering type, just ask my kids. I raised them to be independent, tough, to think for themselves, and to figure things out on their own. I do not coddle, cajole, nag (or repeat myself), cut up steak for, dress, or lecture grown men. I do, however, have a big heart, a great sense of humor, and I’m very kind, and affectionate. I also have a little life experience as well that perhaps someone else can learn from.
So I say all that to say this. Yes I’m a strong, independent woman. I’ve had to be. But I don’t walk around flaunting my material possessions, or acting as if I’m better than anyone else. Believe me, I realize just how blessed I am. I don’t put on airs, I’m not angry, I don’t roll my neck and wave my finger in the air as I verbally emasculate all men, and I don’t walk around shouting to the world that I don’t need a man for anything. And most importantly, just because I hold myself to some incredibly high standards (I am my harshest critic) doesn’t mean I hold everyone else to them too. But best believe, I do have standards! 😀
I would love to find companionship, a confident, laid back man who complements my personality, someone who can take care of me mentally and physically (in a non-sexual and sexual way!). **That would make a super sweet Christmas present Santa, if you’re reading this!** And if he happens to have financial means as well, I’d consider that a bonus. But don’t assume because it seems like I have it all together and I carry myself with confidence, that I wear a t-shirt under my clothes with an ‘S’ on it for Superwoman. A Survivor maybe, but super human I am not. Besides, what good is a Superwoman without a Superman? Can’t we grow and try to get to the next level together? Like Billy Dee Williams once said (in the movie Mahogany), ‘success is nothing without someone you love to share it with.’ That’s not to say I’m nothing without a man in my life, but it sure would be nice to find one I can depend on, so I can stop being so damned independent!
(Still) Looking for my Superman,
Angela