Why I Don’t Believe In Second Chances
I had someone ask me not long ago why I don’t give people second chances. And after stumbling over my words I managed to say because I didn’t really see the point. In my mind, a second chance is like a road I’ve traveled down before, there’s nothing new to discover.
As a writer, I disappoint myself when I can’t quite articulate what I think or how I’m feeling, which is why that conversation stuck with me. And that conversation got me to thinking about the real reason I don’t believe in second chances. So here are my thoughts, well thought out and (hopefully) clearly articulated. 🙂
I believe people are inherently selfish. I believe it’s in our nature. It doesn’t mean that I believe all people are selfish all the time. What I’m saying is I believe you have to decide or want to act in an unselfish manner, and it’s a lot more work (or is damn near impossible) for some people than it is others. There are varying degrees of selfishness, and everyone handles the trait differently.
So, having said that, follow my logic. Let’s say you’re in a relationship (romantic or friendship, doesn’t really matter), and one person’s behavior is becoming a problem for the other. I’ll use a simple example. Let’s say one person in the relationship is chronically late. And the other person talks to them about it. I don’t mean when they’re mad, in the heat of the moment, but honestly sits down and says look, you’re always late when we do things together and I feel as if you don’t respect my time. When you don’t pick me up or meet me on time, it makes me feel as if I’m not a priority in your life.
If the person who is always late values the relationship, they’ll make an effort to change their behavior. But let’s say they don’t, and the other person decides to end the relationship. Then a few months down the road, the late person decides to reach out for a second chance.
Here’s where the problem lies for me. If you truly value the relationship, you’ll make the effort to change while you’re still in it. If you don’t, and you come back later wanting a second chance, to me, it’s because you miss what you had, not because suddenly you want to change. Because, as I stated above, I believe people are inherently selfish and want to get back to that comfort zone, as if the other person suddenly won’t have a problem anymore with the thing that drove them away in the first place.
We are creatures of habit, and we don’t like change. However, we have the ability to change if we want to. I’m not saying change is easy, but it’s possible, especially when you set your mind to it. In my opinion, if you value the relationship, at the very least you’ll attempt to compromise (and actually mean it, not just agree to keep the peace). So in this example, maybe the compromise is to agree to be on time for movies or other timed events. But maybe for meals, the late person can’t get mad if the on time person already has their food when the late person is just sitting down to eat. And the late person can’t get mad when the early person finishes eating and leaves when the late person is only halfway finished eating. 🙂 This is just a simple, hypothetical situation with many possible real life variables, but hopefully you see my point.
**On a personal note, I couldn’t compromise in this situation. We are grown, if you can’t be on time we can’t hang. This is just one of those things that drives me nuts, and I can’t deal with or tolerate it. I don’t even wear a watch, and haven’t in YEARS, and I can be on time (your cell phone keeps perfect time). Personally, if I’m on time, in my mind I’m late. However, I don’t hold others to such a high standard, so just be on time and we’re good, ok? Bonus points if you’re early. 🙂 **
Do you believe people deserve second chances? Quite honestly there are some people I would’ve loved to give a second chance, partly because I did miss what we had, but also because I like to believe there is some good in everyone. However, even if there is good in everyone (and sadly, there isn’t), it doesn’t necessarily mean they deserve a second chance or that they’re meant to be in your life. And while some (very, very few) people may truly see the error of their ways, and want a second chance to show that they’ve changed or can change, my money is on human nature on this one. Most people don’t change unless they’re forced to (through a life altering situation like failing health, for example). And most people only ask for a second chance because they miss what they had. They have no intention of trying to change or even compromise if given a second chance. I believe second chances end in disappointment, so why knowingly invite that into your life?
Getting better at finding a good balance between being realistic yet remaining positive,
Angela