Total Body Enhancement at “The Planet”
I’ll be working off site for the next few months, and won’t have access to the gym in the building where I normally work. Needing a cheap alternative, I joined Planet Fitness today. Got a Black Card membership too (no pun intended), that comes with some extra perks. One of those perks is something called a Total Body Enhancement. The following is my impression of said ‘perk.’
You’re probably asking what the heck is a Total Body Enhancement (TBE)? So was I. It kinda looks like a time machine, or a space pod, and its name in the real world is Beauty Angel RVT-30. It’s purpose? “To provide red light and vibration therapy.” I’ll explain later, but let me share my experience with you first.
After joining online (I’d visited the location twice prior to), I went over to The Planet, got in a good workout, then made my way to the front to give this TBE a try. I approach the front desk to ask about it.
The girl asks me if I want a tanning bed.
I realize I’m as pale as a saltine cracker but I’m slightly offended. I say no thank you and tell her I’m curious about the TBE.
“Just sign up right here,” she says, pointing to a notepad. Then, she hands me a plastic card with the number 10 on it and a pair of tanning goggles. “When you get in there you have to get totally naked. Then, just press <some button> twice, up, down, up, up, down, left, twice.”
Although I’ve never used a tanning bed, I know the goggles are for my eyes. I have no idea what the 10 is for. It has a patch of Velcro on the back. I look at her, confused.
She repeats herself, a little slower this time, as if I’m not too swift on the uptake. “It’s really easy. You have to get totally naked,” she moves her hands up and down her body, as if I don’t understand the concept, “and then you just hit <some button>, twice, then up, down, left, left, right, down, twice.” She literally presses imaginary buttons in the air, as if that helps.
Did this chick just give me a video game cheat code?
She dismisses me with an “ok, go ahead and go in and I’ll get it started for you.”
Get it started for me? How will she know when I’m ready? Are there cameras in there? What the heck did I just get myself into? I feel like I need an adult at this point.
I give myself a pep talk. You can do this. You’re an educated, intelligent woman, and you’ve worked in IT for over twenty years. How hard could it be?
I go in the room, lock the door, completely disrobe, and put on the tanning goggles. I step inside the capsule and close the door behind me.
I normally wear glasses, so I’m already visually challenged, and now I have to figure out how to work this machine looking through the itty bitty lenses on these tanning goggles.
I start randomly hitting buttons, and the machine roars to life. The foot plate starts to vibrate, pink lights come on, and within 30 seconds, my body is being ‘enhanced.’ I try to move my feet into a more comfortable position. An electronic voice comes on, and although I can’t hear or understand her, her tone is scolding, so I make sure my feet are planted firmly on the cartoon feet drawn on the mat. There’s an option for music, I try to figure it out. I end up with some new age something or other playing softly in the background.
I notice a timer on the control panel, and I wonder if it will automatically shut off at some point. I close my eyes until about the nine minute mark. I reopen them and unintentionally hold my breath as I watch the timer climb to the ten minute mark. I wait to see if the machine will shut off, it does not. In fact, it starts shaking even faster and the lights get even brighter. I begin to wonder if Scotty is trying to beam me up.
I suffer through-I mean, I try to enjoy the experience as I wait for the twenty-minute mark to hit. It comes and goes, and I am still being shaken, not stirred. I hit the Stop button. The machine powers down in intensity, but does not shut off. I hit the button again and it roars back to life at full speed and full brightness. I hit the button one more time, then open the door and step out. I’d had enough. Feeling as if I’d just been slightly molested, I get dressed and step out of the room.
Upon doing some research, I learned a few things about this TBE/RVT-30. I’ll be brief. The so-called “benefits” are:
- The red light therapy is supposed to make you look and feel younger by stimulating collagen and elastin.
- The vibration plate is supposed to train all your muscles, encourage weight loss, and decrease cellulite.
My opinion? It’s just a new take on the old shake machines, wrapped in a new, techy-looking package.
I think I’ll stick with what I’ve been doing. You know, putting in hard work with real weights and stuff. It seems to be working, I’ve lost eight inches overall this month.
Here’s hoping naked pictures of me in the TBE don’t show up on the internet,
Angela