The Adventures of Online Dating

So, I’ve been fighting it for a while now, but I’ve done it. I’ve joined the world of online dating. **SIGH** From what I understand, the stigma surrounding online dating isn’t as bad as it used to be. But for me, I’ll have to admit, it’s still there. It feels like something that you should only talk about in a whisper to your closest and most trusted confidantes. It just feels so dirty. But, I’m at a place in my life where I’d like to have companionship. And thus far, I haven’t run into someone who fits the bill during my day-to-day life, so I made the very uncomfortable decision to put myself out there and create an online profile.

Now I have to tell you, I’m the type of person that will research the heck out of something before I make a decision on whether or not to do it. And true to my character, I did my homework on this subject as well. How do I respond to someone? How do I respond to people I’m not interested in? When should we agree to meet? Do we talk on the phone first? I found satisfying answers to every question I had before I even created my account. So I logged in, came up with a witty headline, and wrote a beautiful summary that absolutely personifies who I am. And with the click of a button, I made my profile visible, and I went shopping for a potential mate. And oh the things that showed up in my shopping cart.

Let’s start with some of the messages I received.

gm
- Yes, I literally received a message that said “gm,” and nothing else. That’s text speak for “good morning.” Now if you’re walking down the street, and you see a woman you think is attractive, would you say to her “gee em!” I didn’t bother to respond. DELETE. Kids message each other in “text speak.” If you’re looking for a relationship with a grown woman, message her like a grown man, using proper English and good grammar.
nice smile. love your profile
- Just for fun, I responded: “Thank you. I see you’re a man of little words. Please, tell me what it is about my profile that has you so lost for words.” Yes, pun intended there (“little words”). I never received a reply, and I can tell you why. This is that guy that sends this same message to many women to see which ones will actually bite. I bit, but not in the way he wanted me to.
Hi. nice smile. call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx
- I responded to this one, but only to tell him I wasn’t interested. You know, trying to be polite. I wrote: “Hi <insert profile name>, I took a look at your profile and unfortunately I don’t think we’d be a very good match. I want to wish you the best of luck with your search.”
- This fool responded. And I quote: “U go. i see u one of those go bye profile. i c why u on here. good luck” That is what he said, word for word. I cannot make this stuff up. I thought about responding back: “Hi , if you’d read my profile, you’d see I’m a writer. Having said that, it would stand to reason that I’m looking for a man who has a good grasp on the English language beyond a 3^rd grade education, and one who certainly knows the difference between bye, buy, and by.” But instead, I blocked him.

HELLO CUTIE YOU ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE AND I WOULD LOVE TO TAKE YOU OUT SOMETIME PLEASE CALL ME AT XXX-XXX-XXXX
- First off, his profile name had “69” in it. Twice. And, this guy was HUGE. I mean, his bicep in his profile picture was as big as my head. When I say he was big, I mean big “muscle-y” big and big “tall” big. With a military background. And he sends me a message. In all caps. Yelling at me. To call him. DELETE.
And then there was the guy who sent me a really nice, normal message, using proper English and punctuation. A message that I won’t relay here, but it was obvious that he’d actually read my profile and his message made me smile.
- After a few promising messages back and forth, and a suggestion to meet in person, he disappeared. Let me tell you, a man who pulls a disappearing act once will do it again. It means he’s either unreliable, unsure, or unavailable (or all three). DELETE.

So once I got beyond my inbox, and the sharks that immediately swarm every “new profile” that pops up like fresh chum, I starting doing some searching of my own. And oh what I found. There were A LOT OF clichés, like “love walks in the park.” Really? Because I spent a lot of time walking trails in the parks over the summer and l never ran into any of these guys. BORING. And then there were things like:

This headline: “Let the right one in.” Now I get what he’s going for here, but it’s also the title of a creepy horror flick. One thing you don’t want to be is creepy in your online dating profile. So your attempt to be clever FAILED.

And there was this guy: “Looking for a slightly submissive woman.” Now most women would immediately scream “oh hell no” in their mind when they read this, but I want to give this guy credit for being honest about what he wants. I also want to wish him the best of luck.

And this guy: “I am not looking for a charity case and I will not take care of another man’s kids.” I have no words. Obviously he’s got some baggage and issues he needs to work through.

I loved this headline: “No priors and all of my own teeth.” Very creative and cute.

Loved this line too: “I have teeth, and they are nice.” Actually this guy had quite a bit in his profile that I liked so I messaged him. Unfortunately, not a match.

Another cute headline: “Juliet, it’s Romeo.”

And then there was the downright seriously disturbing. I noticed a profile picture of a guy holding a semi-automatic rifle. Yep, you read that right. And his headline? “No Crazy Girls Tired of all That.” The first line of his profile read: “Retired Military.” Y’all know my favorite line, say it with me now: I CANNOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP. Um, perhaps if you didn’t post a crazy profile pic, maybe you wouldn’t attract crazies. But I imagine the problem may have a lot to do with the man in the mirror.

And then there’s this creepy guy. His headline: “Cover you in oil.” And the first line of his profile: “First of all, I make bald heads cry.” I don’t even want to know what that means.

And there’s this guy. His headline: “I’m in a relationship but I feel alone.” The first line of his profile, literally said “im in arelationshipbut I fill alone looking.” So he’s married, lonely, and illiterate. Good luck buddy.

It has only been a week, and let me tell you, it has been a very interesting journey so far. If you’re thinking about making the leap into the online dating world, I can only warn you that it is not for the faint of heart. You have to be secure in who you are, know what you want, have a lot of patience, and be able to keep an open mind. And above all else, keep a positive outlook.

I live a pretty fulfilling life, so if nothing comes of this, I’ll at least have had some fun with it. And, I’m not expecting any miracles. If I find a great guy, great, but if not, I won’t throw myself across the bed dramatically and declare that my life is over. To all my single ladies, the struggle is real. Keep your head up and good luck!

Eternally single,

Angela

Want to hear the rest of the story? Read Part II here.