Take a Page from Steve Arrington's Handbook

Take a Page from Steve Arrington’s Handbook

Most of you are probably asking, who the heck is Steve Arrington, and why should I take a page from his handbook? Steve Arrington is a singer/songwriter/musician from Dayton, Ohio, who used to sing with a band called Slave, but ended up eventually going solo. In 1983, he released a song called Nobody Can Be You, which is the inspiration for today’s posting.

I don’t know about you, but there are times when I have a lot of “chatter” in my head. You know, that little voice in your head that can either inspire you to greatness, or convince you that you can’t win, like in one of my favorite scenes from the movie The Wiz. I’d just like to take this opportunity to remind you that it’s YOUR voice, and it’s up to you whether it’s speaking positively or negatively.

It’s so easy for us to look up from our lives and look longingly at others. For example, you look at *Sarah, whom you went to high school with, and she has a handsome husband, smart kids, and a great career. She and her husband are both driving late-model foreign cars here> and they have a huge, beautiful house located in . On the outside looking in, it looks like Sarah has it all. And maybe she really does, and is really happy. However, there is an alternative, possible reality too. Perhaps Sarah’s husband is cheating on her (or she’s cheating on him), and maybe her kids are smart but don’t know how to relate to other children, so they’re always getting teased and bullied. And, just maybe, Sarah has a great career because it’s all she focuses on. She works late because she doesn’t want to go home at night and face her dysfunctional family. In reality, she’s miserable. And that house and those nice cars? Good credit can buy a lot of things, it doesn’t necessarily mean people can actually afford them.

Then there’s *Mary. She’s single, has never gotten married or had children, and has a great career. Mary is driving a <insert expensive, sporty, possibly convertible two-seater here because that’s what I’d be driving if I were single with no kids>. She also has a house in that so-called coveted zip code. Mary has no legal or financial obligations to anyone, and has the freedom and money to travel the world, with a little pre-planning of course. She gets her hair and nails done every week, shops till she drops, and always looks completely put together and fabulous. Again, outside looking in, it looks like Mary has it all. And maybe she does. But the reality could be that Mary is lonely. Maybe she doesn’t love herself enough to wait on the right man, so she always settles for Mr. Right Now, always hoping that something ‘better’ will come along. And maybe her self-esteem takes a hit every time someone asks Mary when she’s going to ‘get married and have some kids,’ as if she’s only half a woman without a spouse and some offspring.

There are other scenarios too, like the familiar ‘I wonder what would’ve happened’ game, where you ponder how different your life might’ve been if you had chosen door #1 instead of #2, if you had gone to this school, or moved to that city, or taken this job instead of that one. My point is, if you let that chatter run wild in your head, it can wreak havoc on your self-esteem and your well-being.

I’m no psychologist, but I think sometimes we look at other people’s lives and assume the grass is somehow greener because we don’t like the reality of our own lives. However, it’s YOUR LIFE, and if you’re not happy with it or the choices you’ve made, you have the ability to change it. Again, I’m no professional, but I’d like to offer a few suggestions for turning that chatter, YOUR inner voice, from negative to positive.

Take the energy you spend examining other people’s “grass” and invest it in making your own reality a better place.
- Wishing you lived in a bigger, nicer house, or drove a nicer car? Then take steps to take control of your finances so you can get there. Don’t know where to start? Talk to a certified financial planner. No they aren’t just for the “rich.” You could start with a phone call to your bank. My banking institution happens to offer the service for free. Just make sure you do your homework and chose the best planner for your situation.
Stop trying to please other people and comparing yourself to others, and start trying to be the best YOU that you can be.
- Here’s a personal example. If you read my Vegas post, you know that I’m on a journey to become a healthier me. In doing so, I often get fitness routines from health and fitness magazines. You know the ones, where the models have 0% body fat. I could compare myself to the fitness models in those magazines, and listen to that negative chatter tell me I’ll never look like them, or I could focus on becoming the best me that I can be. Personally I love my curves, and believe there is such a thing as being too thin for me. I’m not even close to being there yet, but I digress! 🙂 My point is it would be really easy to give up and go eat a pint of ice cream if I let the negative chatter dominate my head space.
If you see character traits in someone else that you admire, take the initiative to make a change.
- For example, *Robert is always so cheerful, or *Karen is always so full of energy, I wish I could be more like him or her. My momma always said, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Instead, take action. Start by acknowledging traits within yourself that you don’t like or want to change, then start taking small steps to change them. Often times the most difficult part of change is doing an honest self-assessment and acknowledging there’s room for improvement.
- Here’s another personal example. During a brutally honest self-assessment, I’d come to the realize I’d become a very negative person over the years. I fooled myself for a long time, thinking I was a realist, but in reality I was more negative than real. One of the first steps I took to becoming a more positive person was to tighten up my ‘filter’ and be more mindful of what I said. I realized, even if you pair a positive statement with a negative one, it’s still a negative statement. Here’s a quick example. Let’s say I make a statement like “those shoes are cute, but I think they’d look better in color.” It doesn’t matter that I called them cute, I’ve just made a backhanded compliment. If you can’t simply say the shoes are cute and leave it at that, you’re better off not saying anything at all.
Learn how to forgive. This includes YOURSELF.
- I know this one is difficult for a lot of people, myself included. We’ve all been wronged, and sometimes it’s hard to let go of the bitterness. But hanging on to anger and bitterness only harms YOU. Harboring that negativity is not doing anything to the person you’re angry at. In fact, chances are they’ve long moved on with their lives and don’t even know (or care) that you’re angry. Find a way to let it go, even if it means professional counseling. You’ll thank yourself for it in the long run.
- Forgiving yourself can be the hardest part of all. For example, having children with a man who turns out to be an absentee father. You picked him, so it’s your fault right? Stop blaming yourself and start doing the best you can to raise your kids to the best of your ability. You can’t go back and change the past so stop focusing on it and start focusing on the future.
- And just to offer some perspective, there are people right now who are turning blue in the face because they’re angry at YOU and think YOU wronged them and owe THEM an apology. There are two sides and perspectives to EVERY story. Personally, I’ve gone back in my past and apologized to people who I know I wronged, and I feel better for having done it. I wasn’t so much worried about whether or not the apology was accepted because it was sincere, and that’s what allowed me to clear my conscience.
The only person you can control is you, and how you react to people and situations. Either change your reaction or stop reacting at all.
- Let’s flip the script and put the shoe on the other foot, using that shoe example from above (you see what I just did there?). Let’s say someone made that statement to me. I could:
  - a.) get upset and think to myself (or say out loud) who the hell asked you,
  - b.) choose to ignore the comment and simply say thank you, or
  - c.) counter with a statement such as “I hear what you’re saying, however, I really like this color. It’s one of the reasons why I chose them.”
- To sum it up, option a is reacting, option b is choosing not to react at all, and option c is changing your reaction (from option a, that would’ve been the normal reaction), and choosing to push back and let the person know it was your choice and essentially their opinion doesn’t matter.
Cut the negativity out of your life. This includes family and friends.
- This one is so important. When you’re trying to make changes in your life for the better, inevitably there will be people who don’t want to see you succeed. Even family and friends, as crazy as that sounds.
- When I made it publicly known that I was going to publish a book, I had ‘friends’ and family who would ask me on a regular “so how’s that book coming?” And you could hear the words just dripping sarcasm. I never wasted my time trying to convince them it would happen (it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, they had their minds set that I wouldn’t succeed), instead I used that negativity as motivation. Some of those same people don’t believe I’ll publish a second book, and quite frankly I don’t care what they think. I choose to surround myself with people who believe in me (and option b, to not react).
- Sometimes it’s hard to cut out the negativity when it’s family (and people you’ve considered good friends), however, it can be done. Sometimes you just have to love them from a distance, or you can see item #5 above. 🙂

Hopefully you’ll find some or all of these suggestions as helpful as I have, as they’re all things I have actively done in the past or am doing now. We all have that chatter in our heads, and I think the negative chatter tends to get worse the older we get. We get a little more bogged down in coulda, woulda, shoulda as time passes, and the negative chatter can definitely be magnified by looking at other people’s lives, wondering how much better they have it. It doesn’t matter who you are or what your life looks like, we all have struggles. Everyone has a story, and those people who seem to be happy may have a really ugly story about how they got to that point that we’re not privy to. You never know someone else’s struggle unless they choose to share their story with you.

Make a promise to yourself today to be quick to recognize negative chatter, and start actively practicing turning it into positive chatter. Before you know it, you’ll be shutting down the negativity before it even starts, and you’ll start speaking more positivity into your life. And in turn, you’ll begin to see more positivity in your life. And lastly, continually strive to be the best you that you can be, because nobody can be you but you.

Actively seeking more positivity in my life,

Angela

*All names and situations are fictitious. If you happen to see yourself or situation in one of these examples, it’s completely coincidental.