Mirror mirror on the wall
I sometimes wish my blog were anonymous, so I could post about some of the really personal things I’ve experienced. I know there are a lot of people who could relate, and it would be so therapeutic to get some of those thoughts out. But like my mom used to say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Yes it’s my blog, and I decide what to put out there and what to hold back, but I have to maintain some semblance of privacy. Having said that, this posting isn’t exactly the easiest thing to open up about, but I’m diving right into it and not looking back. It’s my hope that this might help others as well. Today’s topic; Self Awareness.
Self Awareness is having a clear perception of your personality, including strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivation, and emotions. Self Awareness allows you to understand other people, how they perceive you, your attitude and your responses to them in the moment. – Gary van Warmerdam, PathwayToHappiness.com
(Disclaimer: It is not my intention to endorse the Pathway to Happiness website, I simply liked their definition of self-awareness, along with the quote I included further below.)
I have an ongoing goal to be a better person than I was the day before. I know that may sound corny and philosophical to some, but I really mean it. Having said that, I’ve been doing some especially deep soul-searching lately, and if you’ve never done it, let me tell, it can be tough. It takes courage to hold a mirror up to yourself and take a really good look, warts and all, and identify behavior or habits that may keep you from being the best you that you can be. And if you’re completely honest with yourself, the process can be downright painful.
I want to be clear here, I’m all for being yourself, and not caring what other people think, but I also have a theory. If you hear something about yourself once or twice, maybe there’s something to it and maybe there isn’t. But if you hear something repeatedly, there just might be some truth to it. I wrote a blog post once about how I’m tired of men telling me I can be intimidating. Now I don’t want to confuse anyone, I’ve had some great relationships. However, over the past few years, and especially during my adventures in online dating (you can read parts I and II here), more and more men choose to describe me as intimidating. So I decided to made it my mission to figure out what it is that I’m doing that’s causing this perception.
I have a married male friend whom I swear is going to turn a cart-wheel the day I tell him I’m in a relationship with a good man. He was kind enough to explain to me how I come off as intimidating, which I wrote about here. I understood what he was saying, but I admit I was still a little confused. Sure I’ve accomplished a few things in my life, and I’ve acquired some nice ‘stuff,’ but I’m far from boastful or materialistic. And I’m definitely not a card-carrying, t-shirt wearing member of the I Don’t Need A Man For Anything club. I love men! They’re like chocolate, they come in so many different flavors and types and sizes (no pun intended)! Am I supposed to be some struggling, helpless, pathetic, neurotic, attention starved single mother who needs rescuing in order to appear less threatening?
It took some time but I was finally able to move from feeling frustrated to defensive to apathetic to wanting to understand, so I could work on changing this perception. I decided the best way to tackle my dilemma was to do some research. I’ve always known men and women are different, they think differently, and have different motivations. You know, the whole Mars and Venus thing. But I wanted to know more and really understand the differences and learn how to work within them to achieve a positive result in my favor. I’ll spare you the details, but what I discovered is that I needed to place most of my focus on these two things; my actions and my words.
One of the things that helped me to understand my actions, oddly enough, are my vacations. I have zero problems being approached by confident, successful, attractive men while I’m on vacation. In fact, it happens so often it’s quite the ego boost. But when I’m at home, I’m approached a lot less often. The more I thought about it the more I began to understand. When I’m on vacation, I’m relaxed, happy, carefree, into my surroundings, and approachable. All the things you should be while on vacation. But when I’m at home, I’m on autopilot and I have tunnel vision. And, I’d gotten so used to doing everything for myself and by myself, that I’d become totally oblivious to flirtatious male attention and blatant acts of chivalry within a twenty mile radius.
I’ve since learned that I have to make a conscious effort to allow men to treat me like the Queen that I am. And I’m not just talking about in a romantic sense, but men overall. I had to start telling myself to literally pause and give men a chance to be men, to stop and let them open the door, pull my chair out, or carry a bag for me. I’m proud to say I’ve since seen the error of my ways, and I make a conscious effort to remember to allow men to do nice things for me. All men, from family members to co-workers to complete strangers, married or single. It’s in their nature to want to help, so I need to let ’em.
The second thing I mentioned I needed to change were my words. People who know me know I’m pretty straight forward and honest, but I didn’t think that was the problem. I typically don’t offer my opinion unless asked, and there are plenty of people in this world that appreciate directness and honesty, so I had to dig deeper. What I came up with is that old saying, sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. I always thought about that in the context of an argument, when people are upset and hurt, and trying to lash out at others. I never thought about how words can be hurtful, damaging, off-putting, or jarring in the course of a normal, non-combative conversation. I’ll try to explain.
I can be quick on the draw when it comes to my mouth (self-aware!). My head is full of one liners and comebacks, and I’m very fluent in sarcasm. Because of this, I usually make an attempt to be very discerning when I let my tongue loose. Most people who know me usually appreciate my ‘talents’ if you will, because it serves very well to provide comic relief, especially in tense or stressful situations. However, not everyone appreciates my way with words. My comments are sometimes misunderstood or misconstrued. This is especially true when relayed via email or text message, when the other person is unable to hear my tone of voice or see my body language. This can quickly lead to miscommunication, resentment, and problems.
Sometimes when I’m around a man that I’d like to get to know better, in a potentially romantic way, I can sometimes be looser with my tongue than I should be (again, no pun intended). Even though I’ve only ever meant to provide entertainment and make people smile, I was unaware of just how annoying it can be to be hit with one liners and sarcasm when you’re genuinely getting to know someone on a much deeper level.
Just imagine being a guy, trying to get to know a stunningly beautiful woman such as myself (just roll with it, it IS my blog!). Things are going along well, and all of a sudden there’s a zinger or one liner thrown in the mix that you find neither appropriate nor funny. It’s like changing a slow record to a fast one in the middle of a slow dance, it can totally kill the mood. I am ashamed to admit I had no clue that I might have been making men feel some kind of way until, in an ultimate display of irony, I met a man whom I kinda saw as the male version of me. Through him, I was able to see first hand just how annoying and frustrating my own behavior could be at times, and how quickly words, even when spoken in jest, could affect (or kill) a mood. We’d be having a nice conversation, things would be going well, and then, like nails on a chalkboard, he’d say something that would go all over me in all the wrong ways. There’s no better teacher than first-hand experience, and had I not had a good amount of self-awareness, I would’ve never realized the lesson in meeting this man.
Think of learning to be mindful and self-aware as learning to dance. When learning to dance we have to pay attention to how and where our feet move, our hands and body motion, what our partner is doing, music, beat, floor space, and other dancers. Self awareness isn’t learned from books and the Tango isn’t either. – Gary van Warmerdam, PathwayToHappiness.com
So now that I think I’ve figured out what I’m doing wrong, it’s going to take a lot of continued practice to get it right. And I think I’m on the right track because men have been responding much differently to me. All men, not just potential romantic interests. The thing that I intend to keep in mind is regardless of whether or not I’m on the right track, I’m proud of myself for having the courage to try to figure it out.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go clean my mirror,
Angela
