Lessons Learned

On my journey to becoming a better me, I’m constantly looking back on mistakes and lessons learned in my life and trying to grow from them.  Lately I’ve been looking back on my marriage, and hindsight being twenty-twenty, there were some major red flags in that relationship.  Maybe, had I been more observant, I wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.  Who’s to say really.

red flag (noun)

Sometimes I look back on some of those red flags and think how in the world could I have missed that?  But then I consider the fact I had no clue about some of them because I didn’t have enough life experience.  And some I didn’t want to see because, well, love is blind, right?  Although I would consider my marriage a complete failure (from start to finish), I have no regrets because I believe everything happens for a reason.  Maybe it was so I could bring two beautiful children into this world.  After all, somebody has to take care of me when I’m old.  But there were definitely some very important lessons I learned from the whole experience.  Here are some of those red flags, and lessons learned, in no particular order.

Make sure your potential significant other has friends.  Real friends.

My ex had a lot of associates, but from the outside looking in, I thought they were his friends.  Turns out he only had one real friend.  To some, this may seem perfectly acceptable, but in this case it wasn’t.  Personally, I think you need at least two or three because it’s good to hear several different perspectives and opinions.  Or maybe one BFF (best friend forever, please excuse the corny internet slang) and two pretty close BFs.  Because he only had one real friend, I became his everything.  Which leads into my next lesson.

Make sure you aren’t your special someone’s everything.

It might sound kind of romantic when someone wants to spend all of their free time with you, but it’s incredibly dangerous.  When you’re in a relationship, it’s so important to maintain separate identities.  Even in a marriage.  Maintain your hobbies and interests.  Don’t stop doing the things you enjoy doing in order to be with someone else.  Don’t lose you for the sake of a relationship.  Because my ex had no friends and virtually no life outside of the time he spent with me, I was his everything.  All he wanted to do was spend time up under me.  And while at first I was kind of flattered by this behavior, it eventually ended up driving me nuts.  Because I was his everything, my decision to get a divorce was devastating to him.  In his mind, a divorce meant the end of his world as he knew it, which led to a very serious and really ugly situation for me.  Imagine what a person will do when they feel as if you are taking away their entire life.  Trust me, it’s not pretty.

It’s so important in life to have people skills and be able to interact socially.

I’ll be honest with you, this red flag went right over my head, and I’ll explain why.  I can be a social butterfly.  You can take me to a black tie event or the family barbecue and I will fit right in.  I don’t think I’ve ever met a stranger, and I can talk to a brick wall and get answers.  Unless you tell me you have some reservations about a social event beforehand, I am going to leave you to your own devices.  I’ll check in with you from time to time, but otherwise I expect you to hold your own.  When it came to social events with my ex, even just hanging out with my family, I was so busy doing what I do best that I didn’t realize in an attempt to try to fit in, he was using his intellect to alienate people.  I’ve called my ex a lot of names over the years, but stupid isn’t one of them.  Ok I may have called him stupid a time or two but it’s not really an accurate adjective.   He was so inept at being sociable that I’m not sure he realized all he was doing was making other people feel stupid, and that isn’t a very sociable thing to do.  It also caused a lot of issues when it came to his employment, which was definitely a problem.

You have to be willing to be vulnerable.

In order to make a true connection with others, you have to be willing to be vulnerable.  And I admit, although I’ve gotten much better, this is something I still struggle with sometimes.  You can’t always be ok.  No one is always ok.  If you love and trust the person you’re with, you should be able to share any and everything with them.  Even those moments when you feel inadequate, weak, or completely irrational.  You should be able to share whatever you’re going through or whatever you’re feeling with the person you love and care about without fear of repercussion or judgement.  This, in my humble opinion, is what real love is all about.  It’s about accepting the other person, flaws and all, for exactly who they are.  Which leads into my next point.

Know what you can and can’t tolerate.

This example is not related to my ex, but it will simplify my point.  I cannot stand chronic lateness.  I once dated a man that treated me like the queen I am, and I loved every aspect of our relationship.  Except for the fact that he couldn’t be on time to save his life.  He was even late to his job.  Now if a man can’t make it on time to the place that provides him with the ability to pay his bills, there’s no chance in hell he’s going to be on time picking you up for a date.  Or to dinner.  Or to a movie.  If  you know something absolutely drives you up a wall and you can’t tolerate it, that feeling is not going to go away just because you fall in love with someone.  It will only simmer, boil over, and eventually turn into resentment.  Which leads me to this point….

Love isn’t enough.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn.  Call me a former hopeless romantic but I really believed that love conquers all.  My ex-husband loved me from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, but that wasn’t enough to make our marriage last.  You need more than love to have a successful relationship.  You need more than love to get over the rough patches.  Which leads me to….

There is no room for pride, or bullheadedness, in a relationship.

There is a saying (and a Bible verse, Proverbs 16:18) that pride goeth before a fall.  Meaning, people who are overly confident or arrogant are likely to fail.  There’s no room for pride in a relationship.  Or stubbornness.  You have to be able to admit when you’re wrong, and be able to apologize with sincerity.  You have to have the ability to compromise.  And sometimes, even when you believe without a shadow of a doubt that you are right, you need to just let it go.  Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?  Learn to pick your battles, and know that a lot of them, in the grand scheme of things, don’t matter.

It’s ok to need help, and admitting it isn’t a sign of weakness.

No one can be a rock all the time, and trying to be is tiresome and will only lead to resentment.  There will be times when you have to be strong for your partner, and your partner will have to be strong for you.  The responsibility shifts and changes throughout the relationship.  No one should be expected to be “the strong one” all the time.  It’s simply impossible to do.  And admitting that you can’t be strong and need help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign that you’re human.  We all need help at one time or another, so if you ever find yourself in need, welcome to the human race.  Be thankful you have someone by your side to help you through, and if they’re unwilling to help, maybe you should find yourself suddenly single.

Great sex does not make a great relationship.

Good sex will cloud your judgement if you’re not connected on a mental and/or spiritual level first.  And trust me, I know sometimes this is a lot easier said than done.  When you’re in that honeymoon phase of a relationship and everything is all sunshine and roses, sometimes you just can’t wait to get physical.  The anticipation can be completely overwhelming.  But when the sex is great and the relationship lacks a good foundation, a disagreement can turn into an argument, and an argument can turn into so-called ‘make up sex,’ and yet there has been no resolution to the disagreement.  Which usually means the disagreement will come up again.  Good sex can be a distraction that will keep you in a relationship you don’t need to be in for a lot longer than you need to be there.  Go slow, get to know each other, and treat your body as you would any other valuable that you own.

It takes more than “marrying your best friend” for a relationship to work.

Sometimes I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes when I hear this.  While I agree with the sentiment in general, it’s just a little too simplified in my humble opinion.  I thought I married my best friend, but in the end I felt like I married my brother.  I loved him, and when we got along, we got along great.  But when we fought, we fought like cats and dogs.  And there were no parents around to supervise or moderate.  Best friends can argue and fight, and then go to their respective ‘corners’ until things blow over.  Which usually means separate domiciles.  And because best friends don’t always cohabitate, it could very easily be days or even weeks until things “blow over.”  When you’re married to someone, you don’t have that luxury.  You are forced to try and work things out if you want to live in peace and harmony.  And if there is an overabundance of pride, and stubbornness, an unwillingness to compromise or try and understand the other person’s position, a lack of real friends to vent to, and an unwillingness to be vulnerable, there will be no peace and harmony.  Even if the two of you love each other to the moon and back.  And that’s a horrible way to live.  Not all best friends are created equal, and you better make sure your definition of a best friend matches up with your partner’s definition before you commit to one another.  Otherwise, “marry your best friend” at your own risk.

And last but not least, it takes two people actually working on the relationship to make it work.

You can’t work on a relationship alone.  If you’re the only one doing all the work, you may as well be by yourself.  Before I made my decision to divorce, I told my husband exactly how I felt, and why I felt that way.  I gave him several opportunities to work with me to try and fix what was broken.  I even went so far as to seek counseling on three separate occasions.  The first was group counseling with six other couples.  The longevity of these relationships ranged from one to twenty years, and I learned so much from those sessions.  The second attempt was couples counseling, the two of us working together with one counselor, and the third attempt was individual, one on one sessions with a counselor, where I learned quite a bit about myself.  The problem was I wasn’t in a relationship by myself.  During all three of these experiences, my ex showed up simply because it was what I wanted.  He didn’t really participate or put forth any effort of his own.  And that’s when I said to myself if he doesn’t want to work at this, why should I?  My ultimate feelings on this topic are if you have to work at it all the time, to where it feels like a full-time job or a chore, you should reevaluate.  I understand relationships take work, but they shouldn’t be so much work that you feel exhausted all the time.  And that’s how I felt in the end.

Right, wrong, or indifferent, these are just a few of my thoughts based on my personal experience.  I’m not a psychologist, or a counselor, and I don’t by any means claim to know it all.  Maybe someone will find my lessons learned helpful, and if not, it was very therapeutic just writing about them nonetheless.  Maybe you have your own list of lessons.  If so, and you feel like sharing, please do so in the Comments below.

To quote Alicia Keys, “yes I was burned but I call it a lesson learned.”

Angela